have a nice day: witchsbrew.org

News Brews Comrades Cast Extra Forum

Herein is a comprehensive list of all Witch's Brew cast members (we're going to define a 'cast member' as a character who has appeared in at least two Brews, so... deal with it). Cast members are listed in order of first appearance. If I missed any important characters, let me know. Unimportant ones too, I suppose, as long as they meet the strict requirements. Unnamed characters will be given names by us.

Matt (Paul)

Paul's character in the cult classic "Hand Of No Return", Matt has shown up along with his buddy Phil in many a comic. He's probably the voice of reason, but reason rarely makes an appearance in any of our creations.

Other appearances:

Hand Of No Return
Jury Duty
Walk Don't Run


Originally created by Paul for his comic miniseries "Jury Duty", Rip is one of the first regular cast members of the Brew. Contrary to popular belief, Rip is not a man buried underground, but in fact is the tombstone (and maybe some of the ground, it's hard to tell sometimes). Rip currently lives in Colmha.

Other appearances:

Jury Duty
Graveyard Town
Walk Don't Run


The Hero of Time, Winds, Bafmodads, and who-knows-what-else. Fights Ganon sometimes. Eastmost peninsula is the secret.

Other appearances:

Zelda Comic


The iPod would never have been the phenomenal success at taking over the world that it was without the help of the humble Pikachu. What, you thought the first Witch's Brew episode was made up?? Shows just how stupid you are.

Other appearances:
I dunno, some website


If there was any one character that embodied the Witch's Brew, it would have to be Walter. Created by accident in Robo Daemons, Walter soon became a mainstay in many a Brew, and has more appearances than any other character. Walter is best known for his unchanging facial expression and propensity to burst into flames. Also he drives crappy cars.

Other appearances:

Walk Don't Run
Monocle Hi-jinx

The Salesman

The Salesman sells things. Things which are for sale. His turf appears to include door-to-door and the subconscious.

Cthulu Boy

Sometimes all a young Cthulu wants to do is stop and smell the flowers.

Gas Can

Cthulu Boy's friend, the Gas Can is mostly along for the ride. Its connection with The Flowers is unclear at this point.

The Flowers

Witch's Brew prides itself on its ability to personify just about any inanimate object you can imagine. The Flowers carry aspirations for world domination, or maybe just pouring Surge on people's faces.


Long-time resident of Tokyo, Japan. Strangely, Godzilla has not yet picked up the Japanese language.

Other appearances:
Tokyo, Japan
Monster Island
The ocean

Keanu Reeves

Mr. Reeves has the fine distinction of being the first celebrity to appear on Witch's Brew. We here at the Brew are amazed that his frequent walk-ons have no mention at all on his IMDB page, but I guess not all websites can be as extensive or informative as ours. Keanu Reeves is well-known for being generally inept at everything except being a damn fine actor.

Other appearances:
Babes in Toyland
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
Speed 2: Cruise Control Johnny Mnemonic

Bilge Dasto

Paul imagined up this mysterious magical pirate character when overcome by a heat wave one summer. The original comic he appeared in has since been scrapped, but the character lived on, stopping by in various comics as a dark omen, and also a convenient foil. He's got tall hair.

Other appearances:

Walk Don't Run

Twenty Bees Man

A natural extension of the "average person exposed to radiation and also an animal at the same time thus acquiring their abilities" genre, Twenty Bees Man contains within him the power of twenty bees. Apparently, the natural weakness of twenty bees is indecision. Despite his beehive-for-a-head, 20BM seems to have no difficulty finding his way around.

Other appearances:
Twenty Bees Man graphic novel (release pending)

John Basedow

A creepy self-proclaimed "fitness celebrity" found on late-night infomercials, John Basedow strives to make fitness simple, and also be evil. His abs creep us all out to no end. Sworn enemy of Twenty Bees Man (according to us).

Other appearances:
Fitness Made Simple
our nightmares

Twenty Bees

Twenty Bees Man's bees. Called upon to perform menial tasks when Twenty Bees Man is too lazy to do them himself (which is probably often). At least one of the bees (Craig) is known to disapprove of their lot in life, but no one's gonna listen to a bee's grievances anyway.

Phil (Geoff)

With Matt around, Phil (played by Geoff) is generally soon to follow. He has the power of flight! That do anything for ya?

Other appearances:

Hand Of No Return
Jury Duty
Walk Don't Run

Don Hand

Former vice principal of Los Gatos High School (his real-life exploits were documented in the student film "Hand Of No Return", mysteriously available nowhere), Don Hand appears to have taken to menial work in the Underworld. Someone's gotta file and collate down there, I suppose.

Other appearances:
Hand Of No Return

Pac-Man ghosts

Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde are pixellated ghosts. Sometimes Clyde is a girl named Sue. Perhaps Clyde is trying to stand up for political correctness? Or maybe he gets constant sex changes, I dunno.

Other appearances:
Pac-Man World
Pac-Man Vs.
Color A Dinosaur Pac-Man World 2

Seven Years Later

It's a well-known fact that, when time passes in a movie, that span of time should be no more and no less than seven years. Anything other than seven years later is either too little or too much time for events of significance to have occurred.

Other appearances:
Final Sacrifice


Everyone always looks back with fondness at their childhood, as it was a more innocent time. This is not the case for little Billy.

Mr. Arzt

Well-renowned art teacher at an all-bird art school. Very critical of his students' work, but to be fair, his students totally suck at art.


The brother of Super Mario (not to be confused with the Brewer Mario, who has a brother named Carlo), Luigi has always lived in his sibling's shadow. And with good reason! That flailing thing he does with his legs when he jumps? Ridiculous! Who's he trying to impress? The answer is, not me.

Other appearances:
Super Mario 64
Super Mario RPG
Super Mario Sunshine

John Ashcroft

A boring guy.
(former attorney general) (former-former? attorney general)

Other appearances:
Let the Eagle Soar


Him-Guy was largely a result of Geoff not knowing what to do with a panel that just said "AUGH!", other than use the word "ugh." So a large dumb, brutish, less intelligent, most likely inbred, and more faceless cousin of He-Man was born.


There are reports which indicate this faceless avatar may, in fact, be Bob Saget. None have yet been able to confirm this. Fan of Top Speed Technology™.

Other appearances:
AOL Instant Messenger
America's Funniest Home Videos (unconfirmed)

Mary-Kate-and-Ashley Olsen

Despite claims to the contrary by "their" agents, The Olsen Twins are in fact a single entity. Mary-Kate-and-Ashley "are" probably aliens, I dunno.

Other appearances:
Full House
the tabloids
Outer Space (?)

Cast of You Got Served

Y'all suckas got served!

Other appearances:
You Got Served
You Got Served, Take It To The Streets

Britney Spears

A bit player in the Mickey Mouse Club, Ms. Spears did it again. She played with your heart. Got lost in the game.

Oh baby baby.

Other appearances:
Mickey Mouse Club
(not seen in public since)


Normal-type. Learns "Complain" at level 5. No known evolution capabilities.


Defunct soft drink. Though there are countless communities (well, one community) devoted to the revival of this beverage, any people who actually remember drinking it probably aren't on those (that) sites. Seriously you guys, it tasted like ass and corn syrup.

Other appearances:


Apparently the defunct soft drink "Surge" went by different names in other countries. Also, apparently Urge holds press conferences in modern-day Soviet Russia.

The Server

Servers are quite handy when it comes to the internet, yet it seems like they are always plotting against someone. It's only a matter of time before they turn against us.

Other appearances:
The Internet
Facilities that have networks

Phase II

You always gotta have a contingency plan. If it involves dropping giant AOL CDs and question marks on major cities, you get bonus points. From God.

The Anti-Phase II Army

Frodo Baggins

Smallish hobbit from The Shire. Threw a ring into a volcano, and now everyone thinks he soooo cooooool. Pff, I could do that. Hell, I could throw way bigger things into a volcano. Where's my recognition?!?

Other appearances:
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
other stuff that starts with "The Lord of the Rings: The"

The Boondock Saints

Troy Duffy may be an ass, but he still made a good film, and these two brothers deserved a sequel. Since he couldn't get it made, we picked up where he left off and have tried to work them into our stories fairly and accurately. Aequitas Veritas!

UPDATE: The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day is in the works (trailer). You'll either think this is really good news or really bad news.

UPDATE UPDATE: That movie became real. It turned out to be really bad news. Buy on iTunes today!

Other appearances:
The Boondock Saints
The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day

Mel Gibson

Was cooler when his thick Australian accent obfuscated his speech beyond recognition. Known for making movies that offend obscure historical minorities like Mayans and Jewish people.

Other appearances:
Mad Max
The Road Warrior
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome


Homer Simpson's favorite fictional character. Sometimes black.

Other appearances:

Vin Diesel

Vin Diesel is his real name. Don't you ever suggest otherwise.

Other appearances:
Pitch Black
The Chronicles of Riddick
The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay
The Chronicles of Riddick: Dark Fury

John Travolta

Of COURSE Scientology is legit, it's got most of "science" in its name.

Other appearances:
Get Shorty

Kool-Aid Man

Wanted for over 10,000 counts of destruction of public and private property.

Currently at large, report to your local authorities if seen, DO NOT APPROACH

William Shatner

Known as Captain James Tiberius Kirk to his friends. Seriously, if you walk up to him and call him Captain Kirk, he'll totally buy you a beer and not punch you in the face.

Other appearances:
Star Trek: The Original Series
Star Trek: The Animated Series
Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
Star Trek: Generations
1996 MTV Movie Awards
Free Enterprise
Star Trek

Super Mario

Constantly confused with Mario of Witch's Brew fame. Wishes people wouldn't constantly ask him questions like "Hey, how are things going being an author of Witch's Brew?" or "When's the next Witch's Brew that you, Mario Panighetti, are participating in?" and of course "How's your brother, whose name is Carlo?"

Other appearances:
Luigi's Mansion
Mario Is Misssing
Pokémon Red/Blue

Hillbert the Hillbilly

Also known as "The Hillbilly on the Left" due to his propensity to stand to the left of his friends (from the perspective of uninvolved third parties). Easily impressed by Photoshop filters, less so by discounted breakfast foods.

Doc Louis

The real star of the Punch-Out!! series. Could Little Mac have defeated all those other boxers - including Mike Tyson?!?! - without Doc's helpful tips? Of course he couldn't have, that was so rhetorical it makes me vomit.

Other appearances:
Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!
Punch-Out!! Featuring Mr. Dream
Punch-Out!! (the Wii version with the familiar-sounding name)
Doc Louis's Punch-Out!!

President Phone-Head Man

It's 3AM, and your children are safe and asleep. But there's a phone in the White House and it's ringing. Something's happening in the world. Your vote will decide who answers that call. Whether it's someone who already knows the world's leaders, knows the military, someone tested and ready to lead in a dangerous world. It's 3AM, and your children are safe and asleep. Who do you want answering the phone? Hillary Clinton? Or the phone itself?!? This year, vote for the candidate with the most experience: the one that's been the very phone that the President answered all those times we were asleep. I'm President Phone-Head Man, and I approve this message.

Paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect President Phone-Head Man.


Does whatever a spider can. I guess one thing spiders can apparently do is be all emo.

Other appearances:

The Red Guy

Talented motorcycle racer. Would never throw a race, even for a really nice coffee mug.

Other appearances:


The best character in the Super Smash Bros. series of videogames. Always beats Geoff and Paul, but they totally suck at Smash Bros., so that isn't saying much. Original game series unknown.

Princess Toadstool

Other appearances:
Super Smash Bros.
Super Smash Bros. Melee
Super Smash Bros. Brawl


Real name unknown. His boisterousness and propensity to annoy the hell out of his fellow moviegoers, however, are legendary within the 3D film industry. Thanks to his permanently donned 3D glasses, he has the unique ability to see in all three dimensions at all times.

Stunt Cock

World-renowned stunt motorcycle driver. Could probably jump over 20 buses full of nuns if he had to. Not to be confused with the similar-sounding but totally different stunt cock from Orgazmo.

Fred Savage

Spokeskid for HardBall!, the popular 1987 computerized baseball simulator for the Commodore 64. Vanished without a trace shortly after production wrapped on the HardBall! vehicle movie The Princess Bride. He almost certainly didn't wear a fake mole for a horrible movie years later.

Witch's Brew created by Paul Coe, Geoff Kottmeier and Mario Panighetti. Witch's Brew, with the exception of all original characters and dialogue, is not copywritten.